Dedication to the Craft
Published: August 4, 2021 | updated: August 17, 2021
updated: August 17, 2021
One question I frequently return to is how to find time for all my hobbies. The feeling that I'm neglecting some hobbies over others only contributes to that frustrating, draining sense that life is out of balance. Working from home has a lot of us asking questions like this and there are so many strategies out there for dealing with it but I feel like I'm going around in circles and strategies that work for me one week feel constraining and illfitting the next. I can, at least, say that I am slowly coming to understand myself better through the trial and error.
One of my favourite tools is the important - urgent matrix. I don't know where it came from originally but if you haven't seen it before it's just a 2 x 2 grid of four squares. The top row is important, the bottom row not. The left column urgent, the right not. You can then in theory prioritise in the order: important urgent, important not urgent, not important urgent, and finally not important not urgent.
I like to scribble down a quick important - urgent matrix whenever I need some perspective. I consistently catch myself prioritising things that aren't important and probably aren't really even urgent and then suddenly it's late evening and I haven't done anything meaningful (though what is considered meaningful is another of the questions I frequently return to).
For the month of August I'm experimenting by writing every morning before work. The idea is that I wake up, throw back my duvet, and jump out of bed ready to write! Being realistic though, I need to take a few steps to make sure I actually do it. The book Atomic Habits by James Clear has some great tips for routine building, one of which is to make it easy (or reducing the activation energy). I also need to clearly define what "writing" looks like.
So here it is. I've collected 31 writing prompts, one for each day of August. I'll write for 25 minutes after morning meditation, before work. And I'll just make it up as I go, no planning.
And here are the results! I wouldn't recommend reading them though. Like I said, I just make them up as I went and my brain was probably still asleep. It feels strange to put something so unpolished on my website, but this website is more of a journal, and maybe posting here will help keep me motivated.
Day One: "Kaylee was the love of my life, or that's what she thought"
Kaylee was the love of my life, or that's what she thought. I wished she was. That would have made everything so much easier. Why couldn’t I have just loved her back? I never wanted to hurt her.
I remember vividly, we were walking along the hill tops. We could see far off in every direction, over trees and villages, even out to sea. It was sunny, but not too warm. In all, the perfect day.
Kaylee stopped suddenly and jogged over to the side of the path where a little scrub grew around an old fence. I trudged over to see what had caught her eye, feeling slightly more agitated than the last twenty times we had stopped to look at something.
‘Look at this flower!’ She spoke over her shoulder allowing me to see the sparkle of excitement in her eyes.
‘It looks similar to the last one.’
I was actively trying to be patient. It was both irritating and endearing that she rolled her eyes playfully at me.
‘It’s a similar colour, but the shape of the petals is completely different.’
She pulled out her phone to consult with the new app she had downloaded only this morning.
‘I think it’s Cowslip,’ she said with a sense of satisfaction that made me sick. When was the last time I ever felt satisfied by anything? And here she was content with common flowers along the side of our path.
But I suppose I was always a bit grumpy when we walked. Kaylee liked walking, I liked the pub after. It irritated me how energetically she would march up the hills while I panted just to keep up. No one should feel that enthusiastic about walking. And when we got to the pub, Kaylee didn’t even drink!
‘Are you ready to move on?’ I asked.
‘Yup!’
She took a quick photo and stood up with a sprightliness she had no right to hold onto into her late twenties. Kissing me on the cheek, she dropped her hand into mine and we continued walking. I remember being annoyed at having to hold hands the whole walk. Her hand was warm, and it interfered with the cadence of my walk.
‘What interests you?’ She asked.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, obviously you see me get excited about a lot of things, right? But I never see you get excited about much.’
She had a point, but in the moment it felt like an attack.
‘You think I’m boring?’ I asked, ripping my hand free of hers.
‘No! Not at all!’ She protested. ‘I was just- never mind…’
‘I’m interested in all sorts!’ I continued, unable to let it go. ‘I like… reading. And I like to write sometimes. I just haven’t felt much like doing those recently.’
‘It’s okay,’ she whispered.
I looked at her and was unable to see through my veil of ego that I had hurt her but I can still see her face clearly today and ask myself how I could have been so cruel, or so oblivious.
We didn’t stop to look at any more flowers for the rest of the walk. I had marked that down as a relief but in the cold clarity of time I feel sick for taking that excitement away from Kaylee.
That day was the beginning of the end. A few months later she worked up the courage to break up with me. In a strange way, I’m proud of her. I wish I could have been the man she deserved.
My knees pop as I stand up from looking at the cowslip by the side of the path. It is sunny, but not too warm. A day much like the one etched in my memory. I take a deep breath of fresh air and continue on my walk alone. I’m still not sure if I like walking or if I’m chasing the memory of Kaylee.
